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Every once and a while, being sick makes me lose it. I get tired, frustrated, and frankly, pissed off. I'm still young. I shouldn't have to deal with this. Really, no one should. I should be living my life not sitting in a hospital room for hours without an end in sight. Usually, despite it all, I can find a reason to keep positive.
Lately, I'm struggling with being positive. I wake up in pain every morning. I'm hardly sleeping. I'm struggling more to eat, and the gastroparesis monster has been playing games lately. My calcium has tanked. Nearly every moment of everyday is painful and it's made me question, WHY ME?
Being sick is damn exhausting. A few weeks ago, I decided I wasn't going to let these diseases control my life. I'm going to take control of what I can, and do all I can to help get my health back. I'm always searching for something new to try. Right as I decided this, it was as if my diseases decided to step their game up. Each step forward I took, they were right there waiting to kick me down. And boy did they! It's the hardest I've been knocked down in a long time.
Even though I know I might fail, I try anyway. Some days I wake up knowing the day will be a struggle but I get out of bed anyway. It'll be a fight just to make it to dinner without completely losing it. It's a fight to survive the day. Who wants that? But what other choice do I have? I sure as hell won't lie down and take it. Despite the tears and the breakdowns, you can always bet on me. I promised myself a long time ago no matter how many times I get knocked down, no matter how many hits I take, I will continue to get back up and take another swing. I’ll be bruised but never broken.
As strong as that may sound, it's no way to live. While learning how to fight back, my life became a fight. I don't want that. I want to LIVE. Now you see my problem? How am I supposed to go out and live my life, when I can barely get out of bed? Don't worry, I don't expect anyone to have the answer. I think the balance in a life like mine comes with accepting the life, and while I feel I've done that, my level of acceptance changes day to day. On the harder days, which turn into harder weeks, the silver lining becomes clouded and it's hard to find, and sometimes you don't even care to find it.
In the midst of this particular breakdown, falling down, crying, and honestly questioning if my life is worth fighting for, I realized why I always try to be positive and do better than yesterday. It's because I KNOW what giving up feels like. I want to see what happens when I don't. I have fallen into the darkness before, and that’s no place I ever want to be again. If you let it, it will bring you deeper into the shadows, and into the unknown. That place can make you lose yourself. I may not have the life I always hoped for, but it’s made me into who I am. It’s given me more than it’s taken away, and it has taken me a long time to realize this. The strongest fighters aren't born this way, we're made this way. You know that quote about not knowing how strong you are until being strong is all you have? It's in those moments your broken and tired body will show you exactly what you are made of. Resilience. Perseverance and the primal urge not to let the bastard win.
Disclaimer: I recently received complimentary Cal-EZ as a thank you for sharing my story. I started using Cal-EZ last year and wanted to share my experiences with the Cal-EZ blog readers. Getting free Cal-EZ was a nice surprise! And all opinions about Cal-EZ are my own.