Ever felt lost? That feeling where you’re standing completely still, and everything just spins and runs right by you? You try to grab something, anything you could hold on to, and no matter what you do, how far you stretch, your grasp just isn’t strong enough?
I feel this way often. I remember my internship junior year of college, and how it made me realize what I wanted in life (it was with the US Marshals, and it was totally awesome!) and that I found something I was good at, with a potential career. I remember that whole year of college; the moment I brought home the most A’s I ever had; when I made the Dean’s List. I remember the laughter, the coffee, the studying, having fun, making relationships and forging my path in this world.
Now, I see pills and IV’s. I see more doctors and nurses than friends. I’ve stopped hearing from those I made relationships with, and I stopped trying. My conversations always turn to my medical issues, no matter how much I try to steer away from them. I study medical information. I save recipes I’ll never be able to try. I watch life go by through a window at the hospital. But I’m still forging my path, just a different one than I expected.
Why does it still feel like something is missing?
It’s because something is. Humans don’t want to be alone. Sometimes that’s just the best or only option. We want to laugh, eat, drink, dance, be merry, and enjoy life. When you begin to not be able to do that, you become stuck.
So what do you do when the world keeps going by and you cannot keep up? You just keep the pace. Just never stay still for long. I had to realize I’m not the same person I was, and don’t have the same physical abilities I had. My steps are slower, but my will is stronger.
One of my closest friends got married over the summer. I remember being so nervous that I wasn’t going to be able to enjoy myself. But on that day, I surprised myself. With all the doubt I felt, and the fear of falling, I still kept going. I stayed at my pace. I woke up the next morning realizing what I COULD do, and not what kept me back. It was an amazing feeling.
Some days (like today), it kills me to see others live the life I’m unable to. I’m not on the path I’d hoped, but I believe this journey will take me places I’d never believed I could go.
P.S. I urge you to listen to I Don’t Want to Be by Gavin DeGraw. (If you ever watched One Tree Hill, you’ll recognize it). After writing this, I blasted it in the car and realized “I don’t want to be anything other than me.”
Disclaimer: I recently received complimentary Cal-EZ as a thank you for sharing my story. I started using Cal-EZ last year and wanted to share my experiences with the Cal-EZ blog readers. Getting free Cal-EZ was a nice surprise! And all opinons about Cal-EZ are my own.
To read more of Samantha’s story or to read other voices struggling with chronic illness and calcium deficiency becasue of hypoparathyroidism or gastroparesis, please visit our new series, New Year, New Voices.